My Faith Journey
As a young girl, I have vivid memories of myself staring up at the sky and wondering how I got to be here.
Of course, I could recite all of the typical explanations that you learn in school about the world, and I could see how my life was playing out in the natural realm every day. However, beyond that, I always knew that there was more. I just didn’t know how to articulate what.
Looking back, I can attribute those initial promptings to the Holy Spirit, and I believe that even then, God was trying to stir up my curiosity about him. But still, my category for Jesus was vague.
Occasionally, my mom and I would attend church, and our family would celebrate the major Christian holidays like Christmas and Easter, but I still wasn’t sure how God applied to my life in real-time.
Thankfully, this revelation would come later on as I grew in my faith, and that’s the story that I want to share with you today.
As you continue to read, you’ll find that my journey has no doubt been filled with many ups and downs. However, you’ll also find that God has been faithful to meet me at each one. So, I pray that the lessons I’ve learned along the way would be a blessing for you too!
Where it All Started
The start of my journey began when I was six.
That year, after receiving a new job offer, my mom packed us up into a Uhaul truck and we began our migration down south from Michigan to Georgia.
Though the move was tough and resettling took some time, this change ultimately became the catalyst for our personal faith.
Since our old friends, family, and way of living were no longer part of our daily routine, we adapted by turning to the church for a sense of community. Then shortly after, it began to fill every aspect of our days.
We went from the occasional churchgoers to fully invested members taking part in every activity possible, and sometimes we were there almost every day of the week!
Choir rehearsals, bible studies, youth groups, and day-long Sunday services became our new normal, and we loved it because it gave us a sense of belonging. So, we continued to live like this for years.
If I had to guess, it probably seemed like my relationship with God was thriving from the outside looking in.
I was active in the church, everyone knew whose kid I was, and I even had a mentor for a time. However in truth, even with all of that time spent at church, I never fully understood what it meant to be in a relationship with Jesus.
Instead, I relied heavily on doing good works and tried my best to check off all the boxes that I thought Christians should check off. However, over time I became miserable because underneath all of my good deeds, was a growing emotional disconnect.
In my mind, God was all about rules and structure. So, I lived my life from a very legalistic standpoint, and my relationship with Him was based on performance. So, if I could perform well, then I felt like I was in good standing, but if I couldn’t, then I felt like God was disappointed in me.
In essence, my concept of grace was non-existent.
Instead of seeing God as someone intimately connected with me in love, I viewed Him as a distant authority figure who needed me to be perfect in order to receive favor.
Then, after years of trying to be perfect and striving to have a place in God’s heart, I broke from the pressure and decided that if I couldn’t be good enough for Him, then I would just go try something else. So, I did.
I went, and I wandered, and I didn’t go to church as much anymore, and I stopped keeping as many Christian friends around, and unbeknownst to me, I became a target.
A Walk Through the Dark
In 1 Peter 5:8 (NIV) it says that “The devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour,” and in my lowest state that’s who I became.
As I searched for meaning, inner peace, and acceptance outside of God, I turned to different new age practices like crystals, astrology, and tarot to regain a better sense of control. However, these things never provided any real help. Instead, they only made me more lost and confused.
Then, when I finally came to the end of myself, I made the decision to turn back to the Lord, and this was my greatest decision yet.
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The wonderful thing about God is that he always gives us the grace to repent and turn back to him when we do wrong, with the promise of restoration when we do.
My story is a testament to that. God doesn’t want to see us go down the wrong path, and he will administer discipline when necessary. However, he also takes compassion on us too.
So, while that confusing time in my life is definitely not something I would want to repeat, I’m still grateful for it because it taught me how unwise the ways of this world are.
Begin Again
Looking back at my life, I could see how wrong I had gotten it before. I didn’t need good deeds for God to love me, and I certainly didn’t need to be perfect because God never expected that. He just wanted me to be uniquely me, and that was enough.
Learning how to internalize this truth enabled me to let go of my own preconceived notions about who I thought God was, and accept Him as the good God that He says He is. It also helped me to develop a deeper relationship with Him. One that was founded on authenticity and trust, instead of performance and perfection.